Dear family and friends,
You are so wonderful -- you have no idea how great you are and how much you mean to me. Your support, love, friendship, and acceptance of me have made me into who I am. Thank you for being such great people and for being my friends! :)
This was a lovely week! On Tuesday night, my companion and I took off to Montevideo, because the Assistants and President Cook were able to get a cello for me to play for a day!!! Wednesday was our Christmas Conference, with all the Montevideo mission. So on Tuesday, I got to rehearse the piece they had me play in! Elder Perkins played piano and Elder Alder sang -- it was an arrangement of What Child is This. It felt absolutely amazing to play cello again, after nearly four months of being without it! It was also quite difficult, but I think with the help of God I produced a satisfactory and spiritually uplifting performance.
We spent the night before the conference in the house of Elder Alder -- 8 elders live there!!!! Their house was large, beautiful, and there was even air conditioning in the room where we slept! What a luxury. Unfortunately (or fortunately . . . ) there was also a scale! I was dismayed to find that I had gained 10 pounds . . . but maybe it´s okay. ;) Who knows. Everyone always tells me I´m going to get fat in the mission -- it´s terribly irritating! I refuse to do so! When the food is pure carbs and fat, though, it can be slightly difficult . . . but I feel healthy, so I think all is well.
People in Uruguay are oddly frank and direct -- they call people fat all the time without blushing -- I don´t think it´s even remotely offensive. Same thing with skinny, black, white, whatever it may be -- it´s kinda funny! Uruguayos just say it!
Anyways . . . the conference was fantastic! We practiced in the morning. My zone leader Elder Saavedra, who is a friend, and who also speaks the best english of any latin elder, invited me to sing with the mission choir! It was a blast, and the songs weren´t difficult, so I was able to jump in at the last minute. Apart from the mission choir, every zone also performed as a choir. We heard the testimonies of the valientes (those who are going home and completing their mission) and talks from President and Sister Cook. Then we had a lovely lunch all together and received gifts from the mission! It was delightful. I received English Liahonas from conference and from December -- Mom and Dad beat them to it with the conference issue! I have loved studying the conference talks bit by bit -- the last conference was a HUGE impact in my life and I encourage you all to study the talks. I recently read Elder Klebingat´s talk, a big favorite! We were also given some candy, a beautiful tree of life pin made in the country, and the 1st Presidency´s Christmas card. The whole experience was very uplifting and Christ-centered! I love being a missionary during Christmastime -- I get to testify of Christ to everyone and share that great gift that He is.
On Thursday, we went to La Cruz with Alejandro in the morning to work on his house. We mostly just did yardwork, which was quite nice for a change! I love giving service, and I felt like I was actually somewhat useful, so that was good. We spent the afternoon working there, and Hermana Cabrera (Alejandro´s wife-to-be) accompanied us for two lessons! She has never gone out with the missionaries before. She´s quite a character, working on getting active and getting her life in order, and she has a gift for naturally talking to people and connecting with them. Our investigator Marisol welcomed us into her house and we were able to talk to her daughter and son who live with her! They are wonderful. The lesson was a bit of a struggle for me because the two grandkids were SUPER noisy and distracting most of the time, and I haven´t had to teach in many group situations like that before. However, I felt the Spirit and did my best and know how to improve for next time. The hilarious and ridiculous thing was that Hna. Cabrera gave Marisol a cigarette in the middle of the lesson!!!!!!!!!! She is trying to quit smoking and has improved a lot since we arrived, but oh my! That was a crazy moment. We teased her about it -- she is so funny. She said something like, "What, I´m not going to refuse her if she asks for a cigarette!" At least she has fewer in her bag now! :)
On Friday, our little zone had a conference with President Cook and the assistants, with personal interviews with the President. It was fantastic!!! My faith was strengthened and I felt uplifted. The highlight was the brief interview. President Cook is a very loving man -- I felt very comfortable talking to him. He told me that he is very pleased with the progress I have made in the mission and that he can tell that I have lots of love for my brothers and sisters. It was exactly what I needed to hear to be edified and comforted.
Saturday was the branch Christmas activity! I played piano with the choir and the narration of the Christmas story with live nativity scene. It was very spiritual and peaceful. Marisol and her family came all the way from La Cruz!!!!!!!! The branch president´s wife was able to pick them up, and the elders quorum pres. was able to take them home. We were so excited. We had to leave before the activity was over (without eating the food . . . oh well) because they started quite late and we had to be in the house at 9:30.
Sunday was a bit of a struggle, but an incredible experience. No one we teach showed up to church. Earlier in the week, we saw Paula and she is going to another church right now. :( I think my companion has mostly given up hope on her, but I haven´t. We must talk to her again this week.
I will share the hard but good experience as recorded in my journal:
"No one we teach showed up to church. :( But when we walked in, the Hnas. told us they had a surprise and that the reference they gave us from Calleros [a street] showed up to church with them! he was a wiry old man who smelled strongly of alcohol and tobacco. Needless to say, I was excited. When I took a seat next to him after I played the piano, we listened to the talks. Walter [his name] randomly got up and bid farewell to the sisters (missionaries) . . . E. Aviña signalled for us to accompany him our. I was very confused as to why, and what was going on, but then Walter took out a cigarette outside the doors. E. Aviña left me to speak, but I had no clue what to say in this odd, unfamiliar situation. Eventually my companion told him not to smoke there, so he started towards the gate. I was still left to speak and still was clueless and nervous, so I just asked questions to try and get to know him and his circumstances better. BIG MISTAKE. He got offended and asked if I was police, after which he stormed away. Needless to say, I felt HORRIBLE. It was perhaps the most crushing single moment of my mission.
"We went back in. I didn´t understand a word of Hno. Suarez´s talk, sadly, because my heart was broken and my mind was ablaze with sadness, remorse, and self-doubt and self-destruction. This was after taking the sacrament and feeling a certain burden of self-doubt lifted away. But the Lord knows me perfectly and knows how to refine me with His great fire so that I can truly grow -- for this He gave me this grand trial. Because of my weakness, my stress shot up and my brain fell into instant depression -- I destroyed myself over this great or grave error. I don´t 100% know why. I had actual thoughts of giving up on everything, like this mistake was the end. I didn´t have enough faith that the Savior´s Atonement would make it all okay. I couldn´t forgive myself for being so imperfect and having such a hard time with such a simple thing: knowing what to say, or how to naturally make small talk with someone [in Spanish!].
"Thankfully, the Savior of course succored me. I uttered prayers of desperation in these hard moments. It was so hard to get up and play two lively Christmas hymns when I felt so terrible with bitter tears of sorrow in my eyes. However, I felt the Spirit coming to me through these hymns. THen I had to offer the closing prayer! Or, I got to -- it was a privilege and a help. I offered one of the most earnest, sincere, heartfelt, simple prayers of my life. I asked Heavenly Father to help us love and forgive. After that, and after seeing INTENSE rain, I briefly expressed my feelings to E. Aviña in private, apologizing, and telling him how I felt awful and tried and failed. He told me with love that it´s part of the mission, and not to feel bad, but to learn from the experience. That comforted me. He said we would take turns [doing contacts] so I could see more of how he talks to people instead of leaving every beginning up to me. I think he saw that this is just an honest weakness I have . . . that I really do try my best, but it will take time.
"I feel like I was able to forgive myself after that and trust in Christ. It was good because I became humbled. I don´t really know how to get rid of all my fear -- all my self-doubt. I don´t know what to say. however, I can turn to God for all my support. Now I am praying and fasting that He will help me know what to do to get rid of doubt and fear so I can replace it with faith."
As you can see, I am perhaps overly hard on myself, and I do find it difficult to forgive myself and trust myself. I am trying to apply the wonderful teachings in Elder Klebingat´s conference talk about being spiritually self-confident. Thoughts of inadequacy and of self-deprecation come from the adversary. God is patient with me and He works with me. My Savior will forgive me. I just need to learn to forgive myself and trust myself.
Now I am feeling better. Fasting helped a TON. I am eager to make the most of this wonderful Christmas week! Sister Gammon said in an email that Elder Bednar gave a devotional at the MTC in which he said that we should RELISH our holidays away from our families, because the rest of our lives we can be with them. Right now I am so happy to be serving others and focusing on Christ this Christmas!!!!!!!!! It´s the best!
Many thanks to Mom & Dad for the package! Also, many thanks to Grandma & Grandpa Taylor for the package of heavenly granola bars!!!!!
Love you tons!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
--Elder Max Olivier
Watch that!!!!
